The memory of a love that never was

Dumbledore: "I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure. It becomes easier to spot patterns and links, you understand, when they are in this form."

Harry: "You mean... that stuff's your thoughts?"

Dumbledore: "Certainly."

— Albus Dumbledore to Harry Potter^[src]

The Pensieve is an object used to review memories. It has the appearance of a shallow stone basin, into which are carved runes and strange symbols. It is filled with a silvery substance that appears to be a cloud-like liquid/gas; the collected memories of people who have siphoned their recollections into it. Memories can then be viewed from a third-person point of view.

(from the film Harry Potter)

For me, this blog is my "Pensieve". My memory container. I will imagine taking a certain memory out of my head and putting it in a bottle and just revisit it whenever I like.

This is the first time I will be doing this. Maybe it's also a good idea so I will let it out of my thoughts. I have already moved on since this was 7 years ago. I just wanted to write it down and now is the right time to do so.

I have been in a relationship with someone younger than me when I was 18 years old. We were neighbors and friends when we were younger, but not the "kababata" kind. We became friends when we first moved to our house then. I was still in high school. Then we lost touch. But because of technology, we got close, texting each other and such. I used to have a crush on his friend. I think that's how I became close to him. His friend was the good looking one. He, on the other hand, was smaller than me and not being mean, was not really in the good looking department but he was also not bad looking and he has a good heart. Through all those texting and talking, we eventually became closer. He then expressed intent in courting me and I didn't know how to respond. It just happened one day, it just became "us".


Since I was not allowed to have a boyfriend, we decided to keep what we have to ourselves and the people close to him and me, which includes my friends. He was there for me. He was also reliable, when I need something for school, he would get it for me and bring it there. To be quite honest, he did not come from a well to do family. There were 5 of them in one room. But I didn't mind that. We hung out at his place, which is like a stone's throw away from my house so the risk of getting caught was extremely high. Few of my relatives knew him. I'm sure during those times, my parents knew but decided not to say anything.

I got caught one time. It was like the world fell on me. Not because I wouldn't be seeing him often, but mostly because I disappointed my parents. I was frank with him. I kept telling him that I will not go against my parents and fight for you or this relationship. That's how firm I was. But he stayed and we continued with the relationship in secret. Maybe because he was younger and the thought of losing me is tough for him. But for me, it didn't really matter. In my head, If my parents asked me to choose, I would definitely not choose him over my parents. No questions asked. I could not really explain it that time but that was my decision. Still we stayed in it. It was a good two years until I broke it off in the middle of senior year in college.

Some of my friends asked me if those two years mattered to me. Of course it did. He was a friend to me, a companion, a text mate, someone I can talk to, rant to about problems. I loved him for being those things. But I don't think I was ever in love with him. I was more in love with the idea that I have someone I can call a "boyfriend" to my friends.

I hate to admit it but yeah, I think I gave in to my own peer pressure. No, my friends didn't encourage me to have a boyfriend. I just realize now that I went into a relationship with the first person who showed interest in me because I want my friends to think that whatever they have I can also have. That I could do things better than them and when they did something wrong with their relationship, I could compare mine to theirs. Sad to say, I was a hypocrite during that time. I didn't want them thinking that I could not even get something most girls could easily have. I also had insecurity issues. Let's admit, I am not what guys consider as pretty or beautiful, and I have friends who are. I was giving myself less credit for what I'm truly worth.

I am not blaming my friends for that pressure. It was mainly me. The pressure was building in my head and I didn't have anyone to talk to or ask advise from because in my mind, I couldn't show weakness or inferiority to my friends.

It has been I think 6 or 7 years since we last saw each other. He sometimes texts to say hi. For a while then, I refuse to reply to him because I don't want a conversation with him even if it's just text. I think he has also moved on. He sometimes texts me but I still don't want a conversation with him. So just to be courteous, I tell him in a nice way that I'm busy so he'll just stop. I know I hurt him and I'm sorry for that. But I don't think that I can be friends with him again. I think it's best that way.

This is actually going to sound dorky and weird but I am afraid to go on a date. The actual dinner and a movie kind of date. Maybe because I haven't actually experienced it. Ever. Not even in those 2 years of being with someone. I think I have this fear of getting to know someone except on a platonic level. Insecurity issues start kicking in. :p

I know I hurt people in the past. And I am sorry for that. But all these things happened for a reason. For me it taught me to be humble, to love myself more and put my fate in the hands of the Lord. I wouldn't be writing this blog if I did not learn anything.

But now, I have FAITH in the Lord that He is preparing someone for me. I know he is out there and in God's perfect timing, we shall meet. :)