3 months

My last post was September.

It's now December.

Wow.

Have I been that busy?

Or I just became lazy to blog even if I'm online on facebook and twitter?

Oh well.

Whatever.

till next blog (hopefully some time soon)

Shoot. Fudge.

the horror.

I just realized. It's been three months since my last post. And yet, I'm really not a regular blogger.

Busy? Maybe.

Shoot. Fudge.

Shoot. Fudge.

Sometimes, you have to accept that you are at the losing end. And fighting with it won't get you anywhere. Decisions have to be made. To let go is what the situation is calling for. But sometimes, it's difficult to let go of something you know you love and has been a part of you ever since. But it can really be painful.

I'm not a masochist, I don't like inflicting pain upon myself. And I am not insensitive. I am also not stupid. I am definitely not dense.

I know when I am not wanted. I know when I'm not needed. I definitely hate the feeling of uselessness. SHIT. There I said it. That totally sums up what I am feeling right now.

I would like to blame it on hormones. But I can't because I am definitely working on having a happy mood even if I have a splitting headache or my lower belly is having a revolt because my period is coming. I try to do that for the benefit of the people around me. But sometimes, the real emotions just take control.

Shoot. Fudge.

i don't think i'll ever be ready...

I'm preparing myself for something that I don't think anybody will ever be prepared for. It's something that is not usually talked about, it's even sometimes too morbid to talk about. I'm taking about death. As of this moment, while I'm writing this blog, my mom and my dad are on the way to the hospital (God knows where) because my grandfather (mom's father) is being rushed there because he is having difficulty breathing and his blood pressure is so low. He has liver cirrosis. No, he's not a drinker. That's the surprising part. Maybe he got that from taking all the strong meds for his stroke, i really don't know. All i know is, the doctor gave him six months since the disease was detected, and that was last January. And it's june now, so.....

Gloomy realizations...

Just came from the Land down Under. It was so cool! It was my first time to go to Australia and I was really excited even though I know it's all going to be work, but what the heck, i found fun in between the work. The work part, I can handle. I'm used to that. :p

What really sucked was, I was in Australia on my birthday, so technically, having your birthday in a foreign country, with people you know but are not really close to you (except for my aunt and my cousin), is kinda droll.
I missed my family, I missed being at home and having people text or call to greet me. I missed the simple joy of eating "pansit". And to top it all, it was my 25th birthday! I wasn't even thinking about it before we left, not until the day of my birthday came and I really felt it. Looking back, I have a lot of could have's. which sucks. because i hate having to say "i could have...".

But thanks to my family, who took me out the day after I returned from Australia and my cousins who still managed to squeeze in a "mini" celebration in between a children's party, and laugh about it.

Simple things, simple happiness..

Sometimes, I just look for appreciation in the wrong places. Silly me. :|

death brings back memories..

This past week, the patriarch of a very close family friend passed away..
I really don't know the feeling of losing a father (and I really don't want to experience yet it at this point in my life) but I know how painful it is to lose someone so dear to your heart. Being at the wake brought back memories of the passing of my own grandfather.

When my grandfather died, I was still ten years old then. When my dad told me "wala na si lolo" (lolo is gone), I cried.. because at that moment, I knew that I won't see him again. My sister, who was 8 then, asked "sinong lolo?" because she was confused which lolo my dad was referring to. Unlike me, I knew that the "lolo" my dad was referring to was my paternal grandfather. I was a lolo's girl. Siguro, it's given already since I'm the eldest granddaughter and all.

On the way to the chapel, I was crying silently and when my dad stopped the car, I pushed the car door open and literally jumped out, though I didn't know which way to go, I just walked to where the people were. There were so many people. I remember there were lots of people with cameras on their hands, people grabbing me, leading me to the coffin, but I couldn't see their faces. If my memory serves me right, the first person I hugged and recognized was my grandmother. Then they lead us to the coffin because they were going to open it for the family to see the remains (My grandfather had a closed casket wake). I remember my tito Cito holding a large photo of my grandfather which he used a shield from all the cameras of the press. We were given 5 minutes. And then, they closed it.