i don't think i'll ever be ready...

I'm preparing myself for something that I don't think anybody will ever be prepared for. It's something that is not usually talked about, it's even sometimes too morbid to talk about. I'm taking about death. As of this moment, while I'm writing this blog, my mom and my dad are on the way to the hospital (God knows where) because my grandfather (mom's father) is being rushed there because he is having difficulty breathing and his blood pressure is so low. He has liver cirrosis. No, he's not a drinker. That's the surprising part. Maybe he got that from taking all the strong meds for his stroke, i really don't know. All i know is, the doctor gave him six months since the disease was detected, and that was last January. And it's june now, so.....


I'm not putting my grandfather's fate in the doctor's hand, because I know that only the Lord knows when he will be gone. I'm writing this because, I'm really not sure how to react. I really don't cry easily. especially, if I have to be strong for others. It may seem like I don't care or I just don't react the way others do, but I do care.

My heart is right now is really scared. Scared of a phone call and a text that brings bad news. I'm praying that we won't be getting that phone call for a long time. I f we do, it will be filled with good news, even just a small one.

I can't share this to my sisters right now because we are all so vulnerable. Sorry for the word, but shit, i hate this feeling.

I just want all of us to be together right now. I want to be in that hospital with my mom and my aunts but I have to stay home and look after my sisters.

It was just sad that at one point this afternoon, I was scared that my grandfather won't remember who I am. My mom asked him if he knew who I was, he stared at me for what seemed like a minute, and finally, he said my name, softly. I breathed a sigh of relief. :'( I thought he won't remember me anymore. The last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago and I was helping him eat. It was the longest one minute of my life. Scared the crap out of me.

If ever you're reading this, please pray for him. Please pray for our family. Thanks.