Hide.
It’s my favorite word right now. It’s what I have been doing with almost all of what’s up with me.
Feelings, thoughts, whatevers. If I could only hide my whole body, I would.
Not talking to anybody regarding what I really am feeling. I just have comments here and there, but the real deal, nope. Learned to hold back after that dramatic out of town trip we had. I know I’m not fooling anybody, not even myself, by appearing as if I am so okay about everything. But it’s working. And I guess, they just assume that I am kinda okay, as long as I continue being my perky usual self whenever with other people.
Sometimes, I long for those moments when people surround me, telling jokes and making the mood light. It gives me a perfect excuse to hide whatever it is I am thinking. I admit, I prefer to be alone, especially when I really don’t want to talk or utter a word. But sometimes, it scares me. Because every time I am alone, those are the times that I think of stuff. Not really bad stuff (hello, still sane enough to think about the unthinkable), but stuff about my life. Where I am now and what I will be in the coming years.
My Ipod.
I couldn’t survivie long drive, long walks, long whatevers without it. I put it on, I am instantly brought ot a world where everything is my own. Everything. The dreams that no one knows, the secret fantasies only my mind can come up with. Music is my refuge. I know, lame. I get emotional just by listening to a song, I get excited, mysterious, whatever the song means, I feel it. Maybe because I want to get away from the real feelings I have. I have a different variety of feelings. Getting lost in the music is what it’s called. I can dance to my own beat. I can imagine things no one even dared to imagine. I am free when I am in the midst of music. Ironic how I love music and yet I could not even play a piano or a guitar. That’s included in my own world, that I could play a guitar. I pretend I can do something I can’t and I get to share it.
My dreams are limited to my imaginations.
