death brings back memories..

This past week, the patriarch of a very close family friend passed away..
I really don't know the feeling of losing a father (and I really don't want to experience yet it at this point in my life) but I know how painful it is to lose someone so dear to your heart. Being at the wake brought back memories of the passing of my own grandfather.

When my grandfather died, I was still ten years old then. When my dad told me "wala na si lolo" (lolo is gone), I cried.. because at that moment, I knew that I won't see him again. My sister, who was 8 then, asked "sinong lolo?" because she was confused which lolo my dad was referring to. Unlike me, I knew that the "lolo" my dad was referring to was my paternal grandfather. I was a lolo's girl. Siguro, it's given already since I'm the eldest granddaughter and all.

On the way to the chapel, I was crying silently and when my dad stopped the car, I pushed the car door open and literally jumped out, though I didn't know which way to go, I just walked to where the people were. There were so many people. I remember there were lots of people with cameras on their hands, people grabbing me, leading me to the coffin, but I couldn't see their faces. If my memory serves me right, the first person I hugged and recognized was my grandmother. Then they lead us to the coffin because they were going to open it for the family to see the remains (My grandfather had a closed casket wake). I remember my tito Cito holding a large photo of my grandfather which he used a shield from all the cameras of the press. We were given 5 minutes. And then, they closed it.


After that, I just sat down with my mom and my sister. Everybody was busy going around, talking and talking.. There were camera flashes everytime someone arrives. During that first day of the wake, there were times I just sat down and stared at the coffin, silently talking to my lolo.. At that age, I think, death for me means I won't be seeing him again, but the pain was really not that deep. because for the next few days of the wake, we were playing again with my cousins, running aroud near the chapel. We were happy that we won't be going to school.

When it was time for the funeral, the feeling of the first day came back. We had a mass at the UP chapel then headed to Manila Memorial where he was cremated.

At Manila Memorial, the casket was opened for family viewing only. I was crying and I remembered that when they opened the casket, a white butterfly came out and it was circling around us during that time. I would like to believe that It was my grandfather, comforting us.. Then after a while, the casket was closed and was wheeled into the crematorium.

I can't remember anything anymore during the cremation because I fell asleep in the car and woke up nalang when we were at Christ the King church where his ashes were brought.

After the funeral, there were tributes made about him, which made me miss him more than ever. We were even interviewed for the tributes. And we were always asked: "What will you miss most about your lolo?" At ten years old, the initial answer I could think of was when he bought us toys when we go to Duty Free. A typical answer for a 10-year old kid. :))

Sometimes, until now, I still wonder what our life would have been if he was still alive. Definitely, our lives would be different. It has been 14 years and I still hold him in my heart.

Ask me again the question they asked me when I was ten years old "What do you miss most about your lolo?" My answer: EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM.

:))